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Once a year, a special relationship blossoms between myself and Nigella Lawson. Her book, ‘Nigella Christmas’ is filled with many recipes – most of which should never be attempted either at Christmas or any other time of the year. She does however, have a very detailed and overly complicated, borderline Pagan kitchen witchery method of cooking a turkey…. I decided to give it a try.
Let me take you on a photographic journey… one expensive organic turkey, 5 guests, and 5.3 kg of bird meat. You do the maths, we’ll do the eatin’.
Note: Pyjama bottoms are optional.
Step 1: Squat in kitchen near mop bucket. Add orange peels.
Step 2: Add 1 cup of cocaine.
Step 3: Fill box with swamp water and unidentifiable swamp creature.
Step 4: Put tub outside until frozen solid. Discard.
Step 5: Take off pants.
Step 6: Using Ye Olde English accent, torture turkey on a makeshift ‘rack.’
Step 7: Stuff oven.
Step 8: Assign 1 guest to monitor cooking turkey. 1 to 4 hours.
Step 9: Remove from oven. Paint uncooked parts with golden brown turkey paint.
Step 10: Examine Nigella’s final turkey for presentation ideas.
Step 11: Present.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas, and that your day is filled with merriment and your digestive system filled with dry organic turkey meat.
Photography by Brett McCosker
Contributing quips by Seamus Mullen
The Frost Retort 