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Once a year, a special relationship blossoms between myself and Nigella Lawson. Her book, ‘Nigella Christmas’ is filled with many recipes – most of which should never be attempted either at Christmas or any other time of the year. She does however, have a very detailed and overly complicated, borderline Pagan kitchen witchery method of cooking a turkey…. I decided to give it a try.

Let me take you on a photographic journey… one expensive organic turkey, 5 guests, and 5.3 kg of bird meat. You do the maths, we’ll do the eatin’.

Note: Pyjama bottoms are optional.

Step 1: Squat in kitchen near mop bucket. Add orange peels.

Step 2: Add 1 cup of cocaine.

Step 3: Fill box with swamp water and unidentifiable swamp creature.

Step 4: Put tub outside until frozen solid. Discard.

Step 5: Take off pants.

Step 6: Using Ye Olde English accent, torture turkey on a makeshift ‘rack.’

Step 7: Stuff oven.

Step 8: Assign 1 guest to monitor cooking turkey. 1 to 4 hours.

Step 9: Remove from oven. Paint uncooked parts with golden brown turkey paint.

Step 10: Examine Nigella’s final turkey for presentation ideas.

Step 11: Present.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, and that your day is filled with merriment and your digestive system filled with dry organic turkey meat.

Photography by Brett McCosker

Contributing quips by Seamus Mullen