…is the hotel I’m staying in for the next 10 nights. Hold me?

Night 1 – The writing is on the wall

This hotel has Taiwan’s only entry in the wiki “List of reportedly haunted locations” in which it says, “The Hyatt hotel in downtown Taipei is allegedly haunted. The lobby has Chinese calligraphy that is supposed to ward off ghosts.”

The protective calligraphy is not just in the lobby. It’s here in my room too. The writing IS on the wall, it would seem.

This is one of several mentions on Trip Advisor.

And if you need further proof, my Macbook charger has vanished into thin air. It looks like ghosts have adapted to find ways to terrify modern humans. I will keep you updated, if I make it through the night…

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Night 2 – A taste of the nether regions

Apart from an eerie whistling of Beethoven’s ‘Fur Elise’ around 3am out in the corridor, I have very little to report from last night. Actually it might have been Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies.’ I was tired and had ear plugs in.

I can handle this! No problems. And hey, it could be so much worse, I could be staying in the most haunted hotel in Taiwan during the infamous, ‘Ghost Month.’ When:

Within this terrifying period, “the Chinese believe that the gates of Hell are thrown open for spirits to roam the earth.” “Many Taiwanese will not engage in a number of activities, afraid of bringing misfortune on themselves.” “It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts.” (Quotes taken from this interesting article on the subject.)

Forget the eerie whistling, the poor fools staying here at the Hyatt during this month probably get ghosts giving it the full ‘Single Ladies’ film clip dance on their beds. Well not to worry, because according to our trusted friends at the wiki organisation, ghosts only haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire of the seventh lunar month. What is that? July? Great, missed it by more than a month. I’ll just double check…  oh yeah this year it’s  August 10 and September 7. No worries. Phew, that’s a relie… Wait. What!!!??? Oh no. Sweet mercy, no. The rotten Chinese calendar! So that means:

I am in the most haunted hotel in Taiwan, DURING FUCKING GHOST MONTH!? Oh dear… There’s a good chance I’ll be getting a taste of the nether regions tonight, with a ghost dancing Beyonce style on my bed.

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Night 3 – Using my noodle

As we have established, it is ‘Ghost Month.’ I did some further research to see how I could appease the ghosts. “Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense and burning joss paper, a papier-mache form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors.” (wiki)

I didn’t fancy crafting bars of gold bullion from papier-mache, but I did have some instant noodles and a drink that I had bought from the 7/11… so:

Here goes… Let’s see how tonight unfolds.

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Night 4 – Things come to a head

It seems I am not alone. Like an inappropriate workplace hug, terror has wrapped its arms around me in an uncomfortable embrace. Read on, at your own risk.

Last night, when I took this photo of my 7/11 instant noodle offering (above) for ‘Hungry Ghost Month,’ I noticed something as the flash went off. Could it be? Had I seen.. surely not.

I looked at the offering. Why would I encourage hungry ghosts with food?! What had I done? Why would I do such a thing!?? Now, all the starving ghosts in the hotel, rummaging through the hallways, looking under those silver plate covers, hoping to find a bit of uneaten BLT had heard me shout, “All ghosts! Come and get it! Dinner is on! Please come to feast on my noodles, and my flesh as soon as you can!”

I also started to wonder if dry instant noodles might be a bit of a let down. Would they were able to break through the excessive styrofoam packaging? How would they add the water? I boiled the jug in anticipation.

It was a chilling moment.

Back on the camera, I checked the preview screen, nervously zooming into the area where I thought I saw something, and then… to my absolute shock… I slammed my eyes shut with disbelief and fear. Surely it couldn’t be…

I had to wait until the daylight hours for the courage to look again.

Please be warned. The images you are about to see, are disturbing.

Look carefully at this photo:

Can you see the shocking image? Trust your instincts. Here it is, again.

This picture gives me the willies.

It’s a public toilet style ghost penis. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I studied the image carefully, wondering what this meant. Was it graffiti done by a ghost? Or was it actually a ghost’s penis, hovering about the room. Floating down corridors and terrorising hotel staff late at night.

I’m not sure noodles were going to cut it for this hungry ghost. So I ate the noodles.

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Night 5 – Whom am I going to phone?

This guy:

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And it’ll be an email.

It was suggested to me (via @CherryBear on twitter) that I contact Derek Acorah, a renowned UK medium.

M by profession, XL by reputation.

I hope for a swift response.

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In the mean time, I’ve been studying this list on how to get rid of a ghost. Interestingly, among the possible deterrents are rice and salt. Being a hungry ghost during ‘Hungry Ghost Month’ in Asia must be a drag with these 2 popular ingredients off the menu. Pretty much rules out “food.”

I ordered some room service. “Can someone bring me up some salt please?”

“Just some salt Mr. Frost?”

“Yes. Oh and a BLT.”

Night 6 – A greasy poletergiest

Sweet relief… ‘HUNGRY GHOST MONTH’ ENDS!

A period that is so superstitious – no one will get married, buy property or go swimming for the entire month. Even the pool here at the hotel has been drained for ‘renovation’ and just now been filled again ready for action. This month is taken very seriously by the Taiwanese, so how would they celebrate the end of this terrifying time?

A final feast? A solemn parade down the haunted streets? Perhaps an age old ceremony granting the spectres safe passage back to the nether world?

No.

They have a greasy pole climbing competition of course.

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Night 7 and 8 – Giving up the ghost

For the last two nights; nothing.

With all the ghosts engorged on food offerings from terrified Taiwanese people, I felt it was finally safe to leave the hotel. After the smorgasbord of ‘Hungry Ghost Month,’ they’d all be back in their ghost homes with indigestion and a meat sweat.

Now it was my turn.

I visited one of Taipei’s famous night markets and quickly exceeded my daily dumpling limit. I dabbed the sweat from my forehead. It was a hot night.

When I returned back to the hotel; not only was my bed perfectly made, but I had new towels and my tiny shampoos were mysteriously full again.

I began hyperventilating, unsure as to how much more of this terrorisation I could handle.

But then, I had a thought…

Maybe there was an explanation as to these mysteries? Maybe life is more like Scooby-Doo than I realised? Maybe it’s just the doings of an evil greasy pole climber, eager to fulfil his unquenchable need for greasy pole climbing?

Maybe it’s Derek Acorah himself, hiding in the closet? (He hasn’t responded btw.)

And as for the haunting image of a ghost penis I snapped off on night 4, perhaps it was just my own reflection.

These might be famous last words but, maybe this hotel ISN’T haunted? With only 2 nights left, I have a feeling I’m going to find out.

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Night 9 – A long night, A head

I looked back over the last 8 nights. I was so silly to buy into the madness of haunted hotels and ‘Ghost Month.’ Who was I fooling? I’m not Taiwanese! Even if a human ghost did visit me, what would we talk about? “Get out!” doesn’t have the same chilling impact if it’s whispered in a language you don’t understand. “Pardon? Sorry do you speak english?” It’s just not the banter of a good haunting.

Oh well. I took another look at the ghost penis and chuckled. Oh how we laughed.

But then, something caught my eye. Something that wasn’t penis shaped.

I knew at the time of taking the photo I had seen something. I had another look at the original.

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I knew it! I knew there was something there. Now, if you study this area you will see something quite chilling.

Here it is again. Is that really what it sort of looks like? To the top left of the door handle?

A human head! Floating just near the door handle!!! All this time I had been staring at that other ghoulish image, when all I had to do was look past the cock to see the head.

I sprinkled some salt about the room, and fell into a restless sleep.

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Night 10 – Expensively, Dearly Departed

“I’d like to check out please.” I said, rubbing my eyes.

“Thank you Mr. Frost. I hope you had a pleasant stay.

“Oh I did. It raised my spirits no end.” I said winking.

“There’s a bill here for some room service? $675 Taiwanese dollars. 1 BLT and… some salt.”

“There’s no need to rub it in.”

And with that, I vanished.